By Dickson Tumuramye
A friend was concerned that her child was involved in a courtship with a gentleman she was not comfortable with, and she did not know how to share this with her daughter. As we discussed, I asked her how often she sat with her daughter and other children to talk about relationship issues.
I also probed to know if she was a good friend to her daughter or if the daughter ever shared with her anything to do with her relationships with boyfriends at any level. I got to know that this lady always used an iron hand in mentoring her daughters when it came to relationship matters. Therefore, the daughters hardly share with her anything to do with their private lives. It is not bad to be tough as a parent, but it may not yield the very positive results you desire in the long run.
This is one mistake that parents make. They create a wall between them and their children and make their boundaries clear — you are a child, and I am a parent, period! This parent is not the child’s friend, but you expect a child to confide in you about confidential matters and their private lives as they grow older. Confiding in a “stranger” is one of the most difficult things anyone can do. We all like to be compatible with people who are in our lives, not just around them.
A positive relationship between parents and their children generates an atmosphere for all areas of the child’s development. The relationship with your child may change as they keep growing up, and it is important for the two of you to grow together as friends and trustees for each other. Some parents are good accountability or prayer partners for their children.
Parents play a significant role in the private lives of their children, making them open up to you about almost everything. Please note that not all your children will be your friends, but there are some who will always share their privacy with you. It all starts from the time of building a good relationship with them as a child. It matters a lot how you bring your sons and daughters close to you. You can’t just start something because you failed to lay a strong foundation at the right time.
Bonding with our children is not optional, but intentional if you want to raise children that are in your life. As much as you are their parent, you also need to remember that you make them your friends. Think about a way of ensuring that your children trust you with their lives as they do with their friends. You may make children feel loved and cared for. That sense of well-being may spill over, fostering marital closeness for adult children.
Parents who are not good friends with their children will always want to dominate every decision a child makes and will try to influence their way of life rather than be part and parcel of their decision-making. It takes them a very long time to believe in their children’s independence in most things. As such, children start to see them as inconveniences in their walk of life. One would rather keep quiet than say something that a parent will start from there to give unnecessary counsel. Who tells you that that’s what your child needs at that time? What if your child needs your approval for something and then your plate of wisdom and counsel follows?
One thing that is also always clear is that there is a more positive parental role in the courtship of their daughters than their sons. Some parents feel that their daughters need more guidance than their sons. Fathers usually prefer to play an indirect role in their children’s courtship than a direct one. Mothers always try to take more part in the courtships of both sons and daughters than fathers, though the concentration is more on daughters.
Over a long period of time, parents should instill standards and values for relationships with the opposite sex in their children. Don’t just wait for someone to be mature enough and start to talk about those issues. You will be like a preacher preaching salvation to the converted-wasting time!
All the time, promote and keep your communication channels open with them. Have time as a family to talk about certain issues regularly, and let your children always participate in giving their views. In such talks, don’t be like a teacher and a student. Be at the same level of discussion and let them freely express their feelings. It is from here that you will need to identify areas of intervention in your child’s life. You will be able to see their expressions and know what could be happening in their lives. You can always plan to have question and answer sessions on different topics according to your schedule. And when you are not familiar with an answer, be open or promise to answer later, but don’t pretend to lie to them.
Have a family discussion about finding a suitable, but not perfect, partner; dating, courtship, and marriage; and discuss the pros and cons as a family, but also one-on-one. What does your family stand for when it comes to such issues? What are your expectations and what do they expect from you as parents in the search and courtship journey? What do you consider an appropriate partner, tribe, background, etc. so that your children are well knowledgeable about their family’s values concerning relationships? Do you also know their preferences?
Tackle issues of tribe/clan taboos and why you don’t approve of certain tribes/cultures and let them also give their views. Even if you would like to influence their decisions, don’t enforce them on them. Keep praying, but also politely advance your agenda without inflicting emotional pain on them.
Don’t be shy to share your experience with them as parents during your time of courtship. Remember, these are mature people who have also reached that same level. Tell them how you met, the mistakes you made, the challenges you faced, the opportunities you had, and basically how you managed until you got married. They should learn from you too. In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul states, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” So model what they should imitate from you at some point in their dating/marriage.
Meet their boyfriends or girlfriends and have a chat with them. These are going to become your children too. Why would you meet your child-to-be at the time of organizing their functions? This should have happened way back. Have a talk with all of them and also share your expectations for their relationship. Make them accountable to your family. Even if your child has just friends, try to get to know them and their families wherever possible.
I don’t recommend that you serve as your children’s premarital counselor, but don’t be afraid to discuss topics such as effective communication, managing family finances, treating each other with respect, submission, love, and biblical principles on marriage, among others. But you know, the best counselor and teacher is the Holy Spirit (John 14:26); commit them to God to counsel them in the best way He has prepared for them.
Give them financial support where necessary. They may have some things to sort out with their friends during and after dating. During the introduction and wedding preparations, they need support and be part of it. I know some cultures charge dowry and expect much from the man’s side, but these are your children. Don’t demand so much that can constrain them after the wedding.
In a nutshell, every parent has a role to play in any relationship with their children right away from childhood. We must be in the lives of our children as they are growing up and make them our friends. We should also appreciate their uniqueness and not compare them to one another. Some will be close to you, others will not, even when you do your best. Keep calm and just do your part. Leave the rest to God, the author and finisher of your faith.
