By Dickson Tumuramye
Most times, when a woman is preparing for her wedding, female friends and relatives organize a bridal shower. A good package of how a marriage should be handled, how to care for your husband and yourself, issues of financial management, pregnancy and child care/nurturing, hygiene, and many more are addressed. Then they gave her gifts.
This woman was already well-mentored by her mother, the older women around her, and her aunties. The climax of it all is this last organised event, ushering her into marriage.
She comes in knowing what happens and how to handle issues as and when they arise. Thus, she is not so green about marriage. On the contrary, the husband-to-be is busy organizing the wedding and ensuring everything is in place.
As if that were not enough, from childhood, you may find that no one has ever spoken to him about marriage and how to handle it. He grows up knowing that men propose to women. Some don’t even know the best way to propose.
But because traditionally things are like that, somehow we position ourselves, make it happen, and get into marriage.
We all know that knowledge is power. But look at these two independent individuals. One is fully equipped with how a successful marriage should be.
The other one only knows a man should marry but knows little about what exactly takes place and, if something happens, how to get around it.
Along the way, the two parties get challenges, and each reads from their script of knowledge and skills to address them.
The woman withdraws from her emotional bank account and applies the things she was taught in childhood to her pre-wedding conversations.
The husband is less knowledgeable because of inadequate and/or no emotional preparation. Conflicts start, and it’s no wonder we have many marriage breakups before the 5th–10th anniversary.
I would like to ask my fellow parents, especially fathers: who is mentoring your son? Who speaks to your son about sexuality and marriage?
Why not prepare our boys for marriage? If women organize bridal showers, why not organize the groom’s showers during the same period? What is wrong with us, men? It is not yet too late to prepare our sons for marriage and a happy family.
I have personally organized groom’s showers for some friends, and I tell you, they are very helpful. We deposit positive stuff in the pre-wedding account, and when the two meet and are faced with marriage challenges, each can withdraw from their emotional accounts.
As a result, they can compare and relate notes to their situations and apply what is pertinent to them. Our fellow men who intend to marry need to have such discussions as women do. Again, look at when the woman is preparing to give birth.
Baby showers are organized, and the mother-to-be is told the dos and don’ts of taking proper care of the baby and better ways of nurturing it.
All is set by the time the baby arrives—well-equipped and charged without too much uncertainty about the future. My fellow brother is waiting for the right time to see the baby and start his fatherhood journey.
And before we know it, the mother is complaining that the husband doesn’t care about her or the baby.
But the truth is that the husband operates on trial and error. Let us embrace the idea of preparing men and sons for marriage and caring for their children.
I urge us not to leave the topic of showers to the women. Grooms also need to know how things are done. We can meet them, share our experiences, marriage expectations, and solutions to challenges, and help them develop knowledge and skills.
This will reduce the knowledge gap. Preparation makes them stronger and more stable in the face of whatever lies ahead. They won’t be shocked when issues arise. They will withdraw from their accounts and apply that knowledge, and this may bring sanity to their marriage.
This doesn’t happen overnight. There is a critical need for the gradual preparation and empowerment of our sons to be better husbands and fathers.
Imagine your well-equipped daughter marrying the so-called husband, who is completely ignorant, and unforeseen things happen immediately.
Before you know it, your daughter will be out of this marriage. How do you feel? How about if it is your son and he has failed along the way because he was not well informed? Therefore, let us start from where we are and groom them into responsible and caring husbands and fathers.
Don’t give up along the way. As a father, share your personal experience with their mother and how you managed to thrive for all these years together. They need our support; together, we can make marriages like a garden of roses.
